It's been forever since I wrote a post here. That's what Facebook, Twitter, and law school will do to you. Tonight, I felt the need to write more than I have felt in a long, long time. I guess it's because I don't have anyone (well, maybe one or two people) that I feel comfortable talking to about what happened today.
Some of you know me from other blogs I've had, some of you may know me personally, and others of you don't know me at all except for what you read here. So some of you may know this about me: I have ADD or ADHD (whichever one you want to call it). I found out when I was 39 and it helped me make sense of things that happened before. It also helped me to get on a treatment plan and get where I am today. But ADD is a struggle every single day. Forgetting simple things, like where I put the car keys when they are in my hand, or putting the ice cream back in the fridge and the milk in the freezer, are funny when they happen once in a while and because everyone has moments like that, we can laugh at them.
The problem is that I have those moments EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE, and after a while, they are not so funny, they are annoying, frustrating, and they waste a lot of my time. My smartphone is annoying to most everyone else because I generally have 2 & 3 reminders for every important task coming up bugging me on my iPhone, my computer at home, and my laptop. I have 3 alarms to wake me up in the morning. Each one means something different.
I try to do the best I can to accommodate my ADD and keep myself on task, which, by the way, I'm not doing well at tonight since I should be studying for my last final exam this semester. But I'm having a very difficult time concentrating and that's why I'm writing a blog post. Sometimes getting things off my chest helps me to concentrate on other things. I have a hard time talking about some things as well, but often can write about these things. It's a form of therapy and fortunately one I can afford as a poor law student.
Now, I never have received any 'accommodations' for my ADD when I was in undergrad, took the LSAT, or since I've been in law school. I probably should have at some point, but I've also read that it can be looked down upon if you receive 'accommodations', especially for ADD because many people still think it's a made-up condition to cover up for bad behavior. That's unfortunate because it isn't a made-up condition, but because there are people out there that think that way, I felt it best to try to make it without accommodations from some student disability office. Heck, I don't even like the title of that office. Yes, I know ADD is considered a disability, but I also think that people tend to focus on people's disabilities and shortcomings a lot more than they focus on what people do well.
I know I've had a lot of people focus on MY disabilities and shortcomings and when you go through life hearing about it so much, you get cynical. It also makes it harder to be able to accept actual constructive advice because you raise your defenses at the slightest hint of someone discussing what you did wrong. My husband and I get into arguments a lot of times because I tend to be hyper-defensive and always rebutting everything. I get tired of hearing what I didn't do or what I should have done and I'll point out everything positive I did do or that I got done to counter-act the criticism. "Yes, I know I didn't get the dishes done or the trash out, but I did remember the trash last time..." You get the idea. I think the reason we do tend to be defensive is that when we do forget things, it's usually never intentional by any means. I just forget, plain and simple. Now, I've been told that the reason I forget is because I don't care or it's not important enough to me. I don't know if that's the case. I know I just forget and often I forget the same things. And I'm sure if those things were infinitely more interesting, I probably would forget them less. But I know I don't forget things, especially house chores, just because I don't care. I DO care, but I have 20 million things on my mind and my mind just isn't going to hold all of those ideas. Some days it can hold more than others and those are the days I do remember to do the dishes, take out the trash, etc. But other days, it comes up short and so I forget.
Anyhow, back to dealing with people criticizing our shortcomings. I know all ADD'ers have difficulty here, and I'm certainly no exception. I did well in school growing up because I had a mother who was very committed to doing her job as a mother 24/7. She made sure I went to bed, got up early, ate breakfast, did my homework, brushed my teeth, etc. She gave me lots of structure. When I didn't have that and went off to college, it was a disaster in the making. But I didn't know at the time that I had ADD. After aimlessly going with the flow and landing here in FL, and then finding out about my ADD, I felt I've had a lot more direction in the flow of my life. But one thing remains: I still have a difficult time not getting defensive or seriously depressed when other people criticize me. It consumes me and eats away at me. I start thinking of all the things I do wrong and then instead of trying to stay positive, I end up focused on everything negative about me.
That's where I am right now and why I can't study. You see, I received an email today from a person that I respect and admire (not that they know that I do, really) and this email said some very unflattering things about me because I had failed to do something when I was supposed to do it. I did finish what I was supposed to do, but not at the time I should have and the email called me out on it. I can't say I disagree with anything that the person said. Even though what they said was true, it still hurt. A lot. I've cried about it for hours today and tonight, unable to put it out of my mind. I know this isn't how I should react to something like this. But I'm emotional because of my mom's health not doing well and possibly facing some difficult decisions a lot sooner than anticipated, it's that time of the month, and it's final exam time in law school. So receiving this email just knocked me to the dirt and has me completely doubting myself in everything I do right now. I begin to wonder if I'll even make a decent lawyer or if I'm just fooling myself. Will I ever be exceptional at anything? How do I keep from disappointing others? Should I just give up now?
I know that lawyers can't be thin-skinned and we have to be able to take the heat at times. Generally this wouldn't affect me this much emotionally. It would affect me in that I would be hurt and I would bend over backwards to make it up to them or rehabilitate myself in their eyes. And I'm still wanting to do that, but this has gotten me really upset emotionally and it's very difficult to think logically when you're emotional (did Spock say that?). I don't know how to handle the emotional part right now and the wave of self-doubt that has washed over me. It's come at a bad time with an exam looming over the horizon in about 8 hours from now. Once I'm done with that exam, then I'm technically 2/3 done with law school. Obviously I am not going to quit now, but with all this self-doubt in my mind, I have to say this is the first time I actually contemplated it.
Right now I'm just basically accepting that I probably won't be able to concentrate and study material for the exam. I did some studying for this exam earlier in the week and that may have to do. All I really feel like doing is curling up with my Pug and 2 cats because they don't judge me, criticize me or point out my shortcomings (unless they can see the bottom of their bowl, of course). There's nothing else I can do because I HAVE to suck it up and take the exam tomorrow no matter what. But I'll see how I feel after finishing this post.
Thankfully I found an iPhone app that enables me to copy/paste text and it reads it to me. That means that now when I have class notes or outlines I want to go over while I spend 3 hours each day in the car, I can do that by listening to it. I'm going to copy/paste my outline for the class that I have the exam in tomorrow and listen to it and maybe that will help some.
So, on that note, I guess I'm off to fix me some hot tea (Earl Grey sounds good) and take some Benadryl as my allergies have gone completely off the wall bonkers today, and some Advil because I'm cramping terribly. Maybe that will help me sleep and maybe tomorrow will be better. Let's hope so.
This is your sad, self-doubting, ADD, 40-something law student signing off for the night...........................................................................................................................
